After beating a boy in an unprovoked attack the assailants wrote a rap about it and posted it on the internet. It described in detail how they hit and stamped on him breaking his nose.
Greg Barker, the MP of Bexhill where the attack took place refused to condemn the rap saying instead, "These kids coming together to make a rap is probably the only positive thing that some of them have done for a long time. Is there another way of channelling them towards positive behaviour so that they can make use of the fact that they can sing and have an interest in music. I want to try to see the glass half full rather than the negatives of this."
They should be encouraged, imagine the inspiration they could get if they beat an O.A.P. or robbed a bank. Yes, it would be bad but at least some good could come of it.
Perhaps Mr. Bush and Mr. Blair should get together and write a nice rap, I'm sure we would all see a glass half full then. Wouldn't we?
by Nate Iffborne Local Interest Editor
Monday, January 29, 2007
Is That A Gun In Your Pocket...?
New plans for X-ray cameras to be placed in high street furniture to spy on the public have been revealed. In a bid to further anti-terror objectives the cameras can effectively render people naked revealing any hidden weapons or bombs. The plans are sure to cause public outrage as the invasion into privacy reaches those private places we thought safe from the Governments prying eyes.
Nick Iddley, 25, said, "It's ridiculous. I don't want to be walking down the street while nameless operators can see my family jewels," he went on to say, "or named operators for that matter."
It was suggested that only female operators be used to look at female members of the public yet how that would work in a crowd is yet to be figured out.
One CCTV operator who would be involved in the scheme said last night "I work in London and regularly see John Prescott on my camera. If seeing him naked is meant to be anti-terror then they need to go back to the drawing board. I'm terrified just thinking about it."
The Gekko shudders to think.
Government spokesman, Ray Jeame, 37, said, "These plans are there to improve pubic safety...I mean public safety. Not pubic, that would be wrong." He blushed terribly.
Given the current trends of this Government The Gekko has to wonder why they don't save themselves the time and trouble and just tag and barcode babies as they crown, have fingerprints and DNA samples taken right away, implant some GPS tracking chip and be done with it.
Welcome to the Brave New World.
by Ray Zinn-Love Current Affairs Editor
Nick Iddley, 25, said, "It's ridiculous. I don't want to be walking down the street while nameless operators can see my family jewels," he went on to say, "or named operators for that matter."
It was suggested that only female operators be used to look at female members of the public yet how that would work in a crowd is yet to be figured out.
One CCTV operator who would be involved in the scheme said last night "I work in London and regularly see John Prescott on my camera. If seeing him naked is meant to be anti-terror then they need to go back to the drawing board. I'm terrified just thinking about it."
The Gekko shudders to think.
Government spokesman, Ray Jeame, 37, said, "These plans are there to improve pubic safety...I mean public safety. Not pubic, that would be wrong." He blushed terribly.
Given the current trends of this Government The Gekko has to wonder why they don't save themselves the time and trouble and just tag and barcode babies as they crown, have fingerprints and DNA samples taken right away, implant some GPS tracking chip and be done with it.
Welcome to the Brave New World.
by Ray Zinn-Love Current Affairs Editor
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Lost Needles In L.A-Stack
The Celebrity world has been thrown into chaos this evening over the apparent disappearance a whole bevy of stars. Even as this story is being written a massive police hunt is underway as hundreds of officers and volunteers search for missing stars Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton, Mischa Barton and Victoria Beckham.
A police spokesman said during a hasty press conference, "We will leave no stone unturned, no twig un-lifted looking for the missing persons but when looking for people over a search area this large... well it's a little like looking for a needle or needles in a very big haystack."
The celebrities agents commented, "While we appreciate the sentiments of the Police we would prefer it if they [the missing] were not referred to as 'needles' in the future." The Police apologised saying the word 'needles' was "merely metaphorical."
So far nothing has been seen of the missing celebs and indeed several have been out of the public eye for some time fuelling rumours of a cover up of some kind.
May Krappup, 39, gossip columnist for Tosh Magazine said, "There's definitely something going on here. We haven't seen Nicole for a while, or Paris, who knows how long they've actually been gone for? Who's involved? Hollywood? The Government?"
Used to making headlines this current splash into the news would not have been one they would ever have expected. Recently all the missing celebrities have been in the news due to their weight, or to be more accurate their lack thereof, all of them coming under fire for setting poor examples to their young fans and glamourising anorexia and bulimia; both fatal disorders. It is said that Beckham and Richie became the first size sub-zero women. Beckham has been labelled a 'thinspiration' on Pro Ana Websites, disturbing sites that promote anorexia.
Leaked files from exclusive health farm Los Angeles Rehabilitation and Detoxification Institute seem to suggest all the missing celebs were suffering from little known disease (Spontaneous) Human Evaporation or (S)HE. It is a mysterious ailment that can manifest itself instantly or take several years to appear.
Dr. Tommy Rott, 59, director of L.A.R.D.I. declined to comment on any particular patients but did say that (S)HE is a "terrible illness that can strike at any time." His colleague Dr. Poppy Cok said, "So far the only known cure that exists for (S)HE is a healthy diet and exercise. This can stop the disease appearing at all and can if maintained stop it reappearing."
The symptoms of (S)HE are the gradual losing of weight and body mass and gradual androgynisation until the sufferer evaporates. It is related to Spontaneous Human Combustion.
If these leaked documents are true then little hope is held for the missing celebs because it would seem that they have, quite literally, vanished into thin air. A most ironic turn of phrase wouldn't you agree? Is this the last we have seen of The-Ladies-Who-Do-Not-Lunch?
by Packer Llyghs Society Editor
A police spokesman said during a hasty press conference, "We will leave no stone unturned, no twig un-lifted looking for the missing persons but when looking for people over a search area this large... well it's a little like looking for a needle or needles in a very big haystack."
The celebrities agents commented, "While we appreciate the sentiments of the Police we would prefer it if they [the missing] were not referred to as 'needles' in the future." The Police apologised saying the word 'needles' was "merely metaphorical."
So far nothing has been seen of the missing celebs and indeed several have been out of the public eye for some time fuelling rumours of a cover up of some kind.
May Krappup, 39, gossip columnist for Tosh Magazine said, "There's definitely something going on here. We haven't seen Nicole for a while, or Paris, who knows how long they've actually been gone for? Who's involved? Hollywood? The Government?"
Used to making headlines this current splash into the news would not have been one they would ever have expected. Recently all the missing celebrities have been in the news due to their weight, or to be more accurate their lack thereof, all of them coming under fire for setting poor examples to their young fans and glamourising anorexia and bulimia; both fatal disorders. It is said that Beckham and Richie became the first size sub-zero women. Beckham has been labelled a 'thinspiration' on Pro Ana Websites, disturbing sites that promote anorexia.
Leaked files from exclusive health farm Los Angeles Rehabilitation and Detoxification Institute seem to suggest all the missing celebs were suffering from little known disease (Spontaneous) Human Evaporation or (S)HE. It is a mysterious ailment that can manifest itself instantly or take several years to appear.
Dr. Tommy Rott, 59, director of L.A.R.D.I. declined to comment on any particular patients but did say that (S)HE is a "terrible illness that can strike at any time." His colleague Dr. Poppy Cok said, "So far the only known cure that exists for (S)HE is a healthy diet and exercise. This can stop the disease appearing at all and can if maintained stop it reappearing."
The symptoms of (S)HE are the gradual losing of weight and body mass and gradual androgynisation until the sufferer evaporates. It is related to Spontaneous Human Combustion.
If these leaked documents are true then little hope is held for the missing celebs because it would seem that they have, quite literally, vanished into thin air. A most ironic turn of phrase wouldn't you agree? Is this the last we have seen of The-Ladies-Who-Do-Not-Lunch?
by Packer Llyghs Society Editor
Operating Wombs - More From The Uterine Front
The uterus hit the headlines again today, metaphorically speaking thankfully, as news broke that thousands of women in the UK are having needless hysterectomies for a problem that may not even require surgery.
The problem is Heavy Menstrual Bleeding or (HMB) that can now be treated with new drugs or lasers in certain circumstances. In parts of the country hysterectomies have been cut by up to 64% but once again the difference in NHS standards throughout the country mean in some regions only a 15% decrease has been seen.
Experts are worried by the trend and are calling for an end to the practice. The National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (NICE) has put together guidelines for doctors stressing that surgery should be a last resort.
Many women feel they must either suffer in silence - though if they do we would have to ask their partners - or have a hysterectomy, this should not be so. Both women and doctors should be given the means to be properly educated on all possible procedures.
Mike Mikerson of Essex, 36, said, "My wife suffers terribly. And so do I. I was hit with an ironing board just last week, I still can't feel my left arm and my teeth are loose. Anything that can help without resorting to a hysterectomy should be made available."
This puts into context the debate over the recently mooted uterine transplants. Whilst women may be being rendered sterile thanks to unnecessary womb removal the idea of giving a woman a new one should perhaps be placed on the back burner for a while, and surely must not be derided.
The Gekko is appalled that this kind of thing can happen. This is the 21st Century not the dark ages.
by Pete Riddish Science Editor
The problem is Heavy Menstrual Bleeding or (HMB) that can now be treated with new drugs or lasers in certain circumstances. In parts of the country hysterectomies have been cut by up to 64% but once again the difference in NHS standards throughout the country mean in some regions only a 15% decrease has been seen.
Experts are worried by the trend and are calling for an end to the practice. The National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (NICE) has put together guidelines for doctors stressing that surgery should be a last resort.
Many women feel they must either suffer in silence - though if they do we would have to ask their partners - or have a hysterectomy, this should not be so. Both women and doctors should be given the means to be properly educated on all possible procedures.
Mike Mikerson of Essex, 36, said, "My wife suffers terribly. And so do I. I was hit with an ironing board just last week, I still can't feel my left arm and my teeth are loose. Anything that can help without resorting to a hysterectomy should be made available."
This puts into context the debate over the recently mooted uterine transplants. Whilst women may be being rendered sterile thanks to unnecessary womb removal the idea of giving a woman a new one should perhaps be placed on the back burner for a while, and surely must not be derided.
The Gekko is appalled that this kind of thing can happen. This is the 21st Century not the dark ages.
by Pete Riddish Science Editor
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Attention Shoppers - Common Sense Is Out Of Stock
Staff at a local Street Smarts Supermarket called police to remove a group of so-called 'hoodies' from the premises today in Rounder Bend, Yorkshire, UK. The store services a well-to-do area of the town and instigated a 'no hoods' policy after having trouble with gangs of hooded hooligans in the past. Said store manager Ruth Leslie, 34, "They were rude and ill mannered. Grabbing items off the shelves and running about the place. It was very upsetting."
Police officers arrived at the scene quickly and took the offenders into custody before appealing for witnesses. Regular customer Pat Ronnage, 68, was shocked to see police surrounding his local store. "I was shocked," he said, "I always come here and I've never seen such a ruckus."
The owner of the shop Des Pottic, 46, was furious and reached the store soon after the Police having been alerted to the trouble by Ruth Leslie and immediately demanded the arrest of the 'hoodies' vowing to "press charges and to punish them as far as the law would allow." Des Pottic continued, "I've had it up to here with these kinds of tear-aways. No longer will we tolerate this sort of anti-social behaviour. We have a clear no hoods policy with signs and everything that I made specially on my home computer and got laminated and everything. I am just about at the end of my tether!" He began to sob then. It was a little embarrassing. In the end this reporter was forced to slap him repeatedly with a packet of his own half price and slightly browning celery to calm him down.
The mothers of the hoodies concerned were apologetic but defiant. They said,"We realise that they were causing a problem and we understand that the store has a no hoods policy and the reasons for it. We can really see their point but to be honest the boys are only two and a half, they're not going to rob them. They only had their hoods up because it was cold."
A Police spokesman said during a press conference that the "Management had perhaps over-reacted," and that, "no charges would be brought against the boys."
Local MP Jude Ischous, 28, could not believe what happened. "It's political correctness and anti-discrimination gone mad."
The Gekko is inclined to agree; this is truly pathetic. It's ironic that in a store called Street Smarts you cant find any common sense.
by Nate Iffborne Local Interest Editor
Police officers arrived at the scene quickly and took the offenders into custody before appealing for witnesses. Regular customer Pat Ronnage, 68, was shocked to see police surrounding his local store. "I was shocked," he said, "I always come here and I've never seen such a ruckus."
The owner of the shop Des Pottic, 46, was furious and reached the store soon after the Police having been alerted to the trouble by Ruth Leslie and immediately demanded the arrest of the 'hoodies' vowing to "press charges and to punish them as far as the law would allow." Des Pottic continued, "I've had it up to here with these kinds of tear-aways. No longer will we tolerate this sort of anti-social behaviour. We have a clear no hoods policy with signs and everything that I made specially on my home computer and got laminated and everything. I am just about at the end of my tether!" He began to sob then. It was a little embarrassing. In the end this reporter was forced to slap him repeatedly with a packet of his own half price and slightly browning celery to calm him down.
The mothers of the hoodies concerned were apologetic but defiant. They said,"We realise that they were causing a problem and we understand that the store has a no hoods policy and the reasons for it. We can really see their point but to be honest the boys are only two and a half, they're not going to rob them. They only had their hoods up because it was cold."
A Police spokesman said during a press conference that the "Management had perhaps over-reacted," and that, "no charges would be brought against the boys."
Local MP Jude Ischous, 28, could not believe what happened. "It's political correctness and anti-discrimination gone mad."
The Gekko is inclined to agree; this is truly pathetic. It's ironic that in a store called Street Smarts you cant find any common sense.
by Nate Iffborne Local Interest Editor
The Truth Hurts Like A Pitbull On Your Pantleg
Australian man Allen Jasson, 55, was prohibitized from boarding a Qantas flight from Melbourne Australia to London UK because he was wearing a t-shirt with an image of US president George W. Bush with the slogan 'World's number 1 terrorist'.
Mr. Jasson, a London based I.T. expert was barred from the flight because airline officials decided the t-shirt could have offended other travellers and demanded Mr. Jasson change the t-shirt for another. He refused, saying, "I am not prepared to go without the T-shirt. I might forfeit the fare, but I have made up my mind that I would rather stand up for the principle of free speech," (source)
This story prompted The Gekko to investigate whether President Bush could actually be considerate a terrorist.
First of all, what exactly is a terrorist? What is terrorism? For this we turn to the Federal Bureau of Investigation; it seems fitting to use an American definition. The F.B.I. says:
'There is no single, universally accepted definition of terrorism. Terrorism is defined in the Code of Federal Regulations as “...the unlawful use of force and violence against persons or property to intimidate or coerce a government, the civilian population, or any segment thereof, in furtherance of political or social objectives.” (28 C.F.R. Section 0.85)' (source)
What do this mean as far as Bush and the war in Iraq is concerned?
The first point is whether or not the war in Iraq was an 'unlawful use of force and violence'. It was most certainly a use of force and violence - it was a war, wars are by definition forceful and violent - and it did violate the U.N. Charter, articles 39 and 51 that forbid one nation from attacking another except in self-defence or with U.N. authority. The U.N. did not authorise this war and it is therefore both violent and unlawful. It seems Bush fulfills one of the F.B.I.'s terrorism cafeteria.
But what about the next part? Was it designed 'to intimidate or coerce a government, the civilian population, or any segment thereof, in furtherance of political or social objectives.'? Well, yes. The over-riding purpose was to coerce the people of Iraq to remove Saddam Hussein from power and to then install a U.S. friendly government in his place. Quite clearly a political objective. The installed democracy would also stop the detergence of a religious government which is undoubtedly a social objective.
Burns Weston, Director of the University of Iowa Center for Human Rights and a leading authority on international human rights law, contends that the U.S. and British war in Iraq was completely illegal, according to the existing body of international law regarding military interventions. (source)
What Weston and other human rights experts see in Iraq - rather than a "Pax Americana" - is the imposition of an aggressive military empire designed to control resources to offset future economic competition from the European Union (EU) and China.
"Our country is moving further and further into a peculiarly American type of fascism that has its roots in the belief that international law doesn't matter," said Weston. (ibid)
So George Bush's actions fall into the F.B.I.'s definition of terrorism thus making him a terrorist. A successful one if you consider the current toll of deaths and injuries that have resulted from the war. It is reported that the current death toll in Iraq attributed to U.S. led intervention is at minimum 54432 compared to 2990 U.S. fatalities attributed to terrorism in the years 2000 - 2006.
The Gekko is by no means advocating the type of despotic regime practiced by Saddam Hussein or the murders and genocide attributed to his reign. Nevertheless we feel it is the duty of the Western nations to uphold the ideals they to want to give to the world and not to flout them in the misguided belief that 'might is right'. Yes, Hussein needed to be removed from power and it was perhaps inevitable that military force would be required but surely pursuing an illegal war for the wrong reasons is not the best possible way to inspire the world.
So what happens now? Nothing really. The war goes on and more die, civilian and military alike, and more are being dispatchedermerated. Some have brought law suits against Bush and his henchman British Prime Minister Tony Blair accusing them of war crimes. There are also rewards for information leading to the capture of certain terrorists but as yet neither Bush nor Blair are wanted and as such they are worthless.
The Gekko's advice to anyone who sees George W. Bush is not to approach him as he is likely to have armed guards with him at all times. Rather you should walk away calmly and report your sighting to the proper authorities, also pay particular attention to anything he may say. Experts believe he is in the habit of regularly communicatizing with his fellows by way of code hidden in nonsensical gibberish.
If it seems he is about to invade you try singing the following it will either confuse him or make him think you are one of his crazy kind.
I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
and potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope, where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!
credited to Richard Thompson
In closing The Gekko salutes Mr. Jasson for his stand on freedom of speech and says to those who would be offended by his t-shirt; the truth may hurt, but not as much as a pitbull on your pantleg.
by Ray Zinn-Love Current Affairs Editor
Mr. Jasson, a London based I.T. expert was barred from the flight because airline officials decided the t-shirt could have offended other travellers and demanded Mr. Jasson change the t-shirt for another. He refused, saying, "I am not prepared to go without the T-shirt. I might forfeit the fare, but I have made up my mind that I would rather stand up for the principle of free speech," (source)
This story prompted The Gekko to investigate whether President Bush could actually be considerate a terrorist.
First of all, what exactly is a terrorist? What is terrorism? For this we turn to the Federal Bureau of Investigation; it seems fitting to use an American definition. The F.B.I. says:
'There is no single, universally accepted definition of terrorism. Terrorism is defined in the Code of Federal Regulations as “...the unlawful use of force and violence against persons or property to intimidate or coerce a government, the civilian population, or any segment thereof, in furtherance of political or social objectives.” (28 C.F.R. Section 0.85)' (source)
What do this mean as far as Bush and the war in Iraq is concerned?
The first point is whether or not the war in Iraq was an 'unlawful use of force and violence'. It was most certainly a use of force and violence - it was a war, wars are by definition forceful and violent - and it did violate the U.N. Charter, articles 39 and 51 that forbid one nation from attacking another except in self-defence or with U.N. authority. The U.N. did not authorise this war and it is therefore both violent and unlawful. It seems Bush fulfills one of the F.B.I.'s terrorism cafeteria.
But what about the next part? Was it designed 'to intimidate or coerce a government, the civilian population, or any segment thereof, in furtherance of political or social objectives.'? Well, yes. The over-riding purpose was to coerce the people of Iraq to remove Saddam Hussein from power and to then install a U.S. friendly government in his place. Quite clearly a political objective. The installed democracy would also stop the detergence of a religious government which is undoubtedly a social objective.
Burns Weston, Director of the University of Iowa Center for Human Rights and a leading authority on international human rights law, contends that the U.S. and British war in Iraq was completely illegal, according to the existing body of international law regarding military interventions. (source)
What Weston and other human rights experts see in Iraq - rather than a "Pax Americana" - is the imposition of an aggressive military empire designed to control resources to offset future economic competition from the European Union (EU) and China.
"Our country is moving further and further into a peculiarly American type of fascism that has its roots in the belief that international law doesn't matter," said Weston. (ibid)
So George Bush's actions fall into the F.B.I.'s definition of terrorism thus making him a terrorist. A successful one if you consider the current toll of deaths and injuries that have resulted from the war. It is reported that the current death toll in Iraq attributed to U.S. led intervention is at minimum 54432 compared to 2990 U.S. fatalities attributed to terrorism in the years 2000 - 2006.
The Gekko is by no means advocating the type of despotic regime practiced by Saddam Hussein or the murders and genocide attributed to his reign. Nevertheless we feel it is the duty of the Western nations to uphold the ideals they to want to give to the world and not to flout them in the misguided belief that 'might is right'. Yes, Hussein needed to be removed from power and it was perhaps inevitable that military force would be required but surely pursuing an illegal war for the wrong reasons is not the best possible way to inspire the world.
So what happens now? Nothing really. The war goes on and more die, civilian and military alike, and more are being dispatchedermerated. Some have brought law suits against Bush and his henchman British Prime Minister Tony Blair accusing them of war crimes. There are also rewards for information leading to the capture of certain terrorists but as yet neither Bush nor Blair are wanted and as such they are worthless.
The Gekko's advice to anyone who sees George W. Bush is not to approach him as he is likely to have armed guards with him at all times. Rather you should walk away calmly and report your sighting to the proper authorities, also pay particular attention to anything he may say. Experts believe he is in the habit of regularly communicatizing with his fellows by way of code hidden in nonsensical gibberish.
If it seems he is about to invade you try singing the following it will either confuse him or make him think you are one of his crazy kind.
I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
and potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope, where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!
credited to Richard Thompson
In closing The Gekko salutes Mr. Jasson for his stand on freedom of speech and says to those who would be offended by his t-shirt; the truth may hurt, but not as much as a pitbull on your pantleg.
by Ray Zinn-Love Current Affairs Editor
Monday, January 22, 2007
Harlot Of Bother Over Giant Erection
It was announced in the last few days that a statue is being planned to honour all prostitutes around the world. It will be situated in Amsterdam's red light district and has been commissioned by former prostitute Mariska Majoor. She told dutch news agency ANP,"In many countries, prostitutes struggle and people have no respect for them whatsoever. The statue is meant to give all those men and women strength." The statue will be of bronze and will be in the form of a woman looking confidently out into the world.
The news was greeted with mixed feelings. London based Russian prostitute Ivana Getalegova, 23, was overjoyed by the news, "I'm overjoyed," she said, "It's about time the hard work we do is recognised."
Puritanical group Society for Temporal and Religious Involvement in Cultural Tenets were outraged by the decision. S.T.R.I.C.T. spokeswoman Prue Dish,63, said "Why should something that is against God's law and those of most right thinking people be celebrated?" A statement that is sure to open the 'should prostitution be legalised?' debate once again.
Anya Dickisin, 38, ex-prostitute turned MP for Lickey End in the West Midlands of UK said this morning, "What better way to honour prostitutes than with a massive erection?"
The Gekko concurs.
What are your thoughts?
by Penn Anninck Arts and Culture editor
The news was greeted with mixed feelings. London based Russian prostitute Ivana Getalegova, 23, was overjoyed by the news, "I'm overjoyed," she said, "It's about time the hard work we do is recognised."
Puritanical group Society for Temporal and Religious Involvement in Cultural Tenets were outraged by the decision. S.T.R.I.C.T. spokeswoman Prue Dish,63, said "Why should something that is against God's law and those of most right thinking people be celebrated?" A statement that is sure to open the 'should prostitution be legalised?' debate once again.
Anya Dickisin, 38, ex-prostitute turned MP for Lickey End in the West Midlands of UK said this morning, "What better way to honour prostitutes than with a massive erection?"
The Gekko concurs.
What are your thoughts?
by Penn Anninck Arts and Culture editor
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Changing Wombs - an ethical debate
The news that a NY hospital has plans for the transplant of a uterus hit the news this week and has raised some controversy among those opposed to such things. It is clearly a contentious subject and once again the "we can" and "should we" camps are at loggerheads over a scientific advance. It should be pointed out that there is no indication this is going ahead in the near future but research into at least the possiblity could help in many types of transplant. The Gekko went out onto the streets and into the blogs to find out what the feelings were on this subject. Below are just a few of the comments.
New York, USA
Bob Bobberson said, 36, said, "It's weird. I mean wouldn't she go mad having some dead womans uterus in there? Would the baby even be hers? It freaks me out. My buddy Louis went mad after he had a kidney transplant 'cos he couldn't handle taking another man's piss! He's in a special hospital now because he won't stop hitting other guys in the balls."
Edinburgh, Scotland
And Bob wasn't alone. Sally Sallerson, 26, said, "My husband had a penis transplant but I couldn't handle it. I felt guilty like I
was cheating on him. And he hated it too because it was... you know bigger and he thought I liked it more. Also when I got pregnant the donors family tried to claim custody of our child. I wish we had adopted."
Strong feelings from June too, she said here, "Jesus Christ… just fucking adopt. Trust me, there is NOTHING special about your DNA--we’re all virtually identical. I find the whole “Wah wah, I want to experience the miracle of childbirth and have a baby that looks like me!!” thing to be supremely stupid."
Katia said, "Essential? Really? Will I die without having a child? Essential...Holy SHIT! They never told me that. Oh...he probably means essential in an emotional sense. Oh thank GOD, now wait...that is even more ludicrous! Alarm Alarm! We have crazy women who find it ESSENTIAL to bear children. Give me a fucking break. Shame on him and shame on those women! Both parties put suffrage back to the stone ages."
Many people The Gekko spoke to were of the opinion that only vital transplants should be allowed, but who is to say what is vital? Are kidney transplants vital? You can survive with dialysis. Yes they are normally "performed to save lives, but increasingly they are being done to improve quality of life. Hand transplants and the recent partial face transplant in France are examples." (source)
One voice of reason The Gekko found was Nutty Mummy who said, "In 1954, controversy surrounded the first ever kidney transplant - but now that’s practically commonplace. I mean the kidney’s not really theirs though, right? So how is that justifiable or worth bothering about investigating? Can’t he just sit next to a dialysis machine for the rest of his shortened life? I mean that’s the same as having your own kidney. Isn’t it?
Don’t judge people for wanting their own children. It’s not fair if you have never even been in the position of knowing you can’t have your own. You are ignorant to how it really feels, as am I, and therefore I think not in a position to question their need."
It seems that the largest consensus of opinion is that people should just adopt, but what if you are not allowed to adopt? Yes in some countries like Outer Fulacrapistan you can pick a child up for 23, 000, 000, 000 choddies (about £23.47 or $46.32) but this is not the case in our enlightened West. We dont just hand them out. There are criteria for this kind of thing and some people just don't fill them and perhaps they are not suitable for IVF and cant find a willing surrogate.
As Sam says here, "You guys over there are lucky if you can adopt.... in Aust you have almost no chance whatsoever to adopt. There are so few (almost no) babies or children available that are born in Aust. If you do apply you have to meet: age, weight, marital, financial and health requirements for both parents… which by the time many have attempted their own DNA family they find they are outside the criteria anyway. Australia have a ‘foster’ system which is both long and short term on children requiring it. Oversees adoption is extremely remote also… from any country for anyone living in Australia… though I’ve heard that it is fairly easy to adopt within the USA or from a neighbouring country there… so you guys probably have more options for becoming parents.
However.... I do think that money would be better spent researching to restoring or giving sight or hearing, parkinsons, diabetes and childhood lukemia and a miriad of other causes that seem far more important and for people that don’t have another option (as you do if you are really desperate to become a parent)."
The Gekko also found Melody, who said here, "Wow. There is an incredible amount of judgment here on those pursuing assisted fertility treatment. There are lots of reasons why adoption might not be a viable option for some, including that it could even be illegal for many same sex couples depending on where they live.
How about chastising those who choose to spend $50,000 on a sports car or live in a larger house than they really need when they could be adopting an orphan or giving the money to AIDS research? There are all kinds of way to spend money frivolously that could otherwise be used to help those in need."
Peskymac said, "I could probably be convinced to donate mine to a friend in need. After all, I have no need of mine. I’m not using it for anything."
Kentucky, USA
Perhaps the most controversial comment comes from Lou Nittick, 35, who said, "I think we should stop all human procreation right now. Anyone who wants a child should be compelled to adopt, starting with the children from the poorest nations, as it’s far less morally objectional. Once they’re all sorted we can move onto the Western kids and finally get them all fixed up in a nice new place of their own. After that we can all go back to having kids with our own DNA though perhaps we should restrict couples to just one each like China as we wouldn’t want too many of the little nippers running about and starting the whole adoption crisis all over again.
And for safety’s sake we should make sure people have to get a license first so there aren’t any we don’t know about and punish people if they procreate without one by removing their uterus. But what we do with all those spare uteruses? Maybe we could stitch them all into legs or arms or something a bit more useful?" Shortly after this diatribe Lou was manhandled to the ground by several burly men with a large hypodermic needle and carted off to a waiting white van singing "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles" in what can only be described as a fair impersonation of Barry White. Apparently he had led them a merry chase. The Gekko wishes him well. We also hope the burly man who took a sharp blow to his testicles in the brief but ferocious struggle is back on his feet. We understand it was very painful yet feel it incumbent upon us to point out that "necessary force" is not something that can be discarded in the quest for petty revenge.
However. Clearly more research must be done. Clearly all care should be taken to ensure the health and well-being of both prospective mother and child. Clearly laws must be made to deal with any legal problems that may arise. Nevertheless, if the right of a woman to abort her foetus is to be defended (Ed. note: as it should be) then surely her right to have one, in whatever way is necessary deserves equal protection.
We leave it to you to decide.
by Pete Riddish - Science Editor
New York, USA
Bob Bobberson said, 36, said, "It's weird. I mean wouldn't she go mad having some dead womans uterus in there? Would the baby even be hers? It freaks me out. My buddy Louis went mad after he had a kidney transplant 'cos he couldn't handle taking another man's piss! He's in a special hospital now because he won't stop hitting other guys in the balls."
Edinburgh, Scotland
And Bob wasn't alone. Sally Sallerson, 26, said, "My husband had a penis transplant but I couldn't handle it. I felt guilty like I
was cheating on him. And he hated it too because it was... you know bigger and he thought I liked it more. Also when I got pregnant the donors family tried to claim custody of our child. I wish we had adopted."
Strong feelings from June too, she said here, "Jesus Christ… just fucking adopt. Trust me, there is NOTHING special about your DNA--we’re all virtually identical. I find the whole “Wah wah, I want to experience the miracle of childbirth and have a baby that looks like me!!” thing to be supremely stupid."
Katia said, "Essential? Really? Will I die without having a child? Essential...Holy SHIT! They never told me that. Oh...he probably means essential in an emotional sense. Oh thank GOD, now wait...that is even more ludicrous! Alarm Alarm! We have crazy women who find it ESSENTIAL to bear children. Give me a fucking break. Shame on him and shame on those women! Both parties put suffrage back to the stone ages."
Many people The Gekko spoke to were of the opinion that only vital transplants should be allowed, but who is to say what is vital? Are kidney transplants vital? You can survive with dialysis. Yes they are normally "performed to save lives, but increasingly they are being done to improve quality of life. Hand transplants and the recent partial face transplant in France are examples." (source)
One voice of reason The Gekko found was Nutty Mummy who said, "In 1954, controversy surrounded the first ever kidney transplant - but now that’s practically commonplace. I mean the kidney’s not really theirs though, right? So how is that justifiable or worth bothering about investigating? Can’t he just sit next to a dialysis machine for the rest of his shortened life? I mean that’s the same as having your own kidney. Isn’t it?
Don’t judge people for wanting their own children. It’s not fair if you have never even been in the position of knowing you can’t have your own. You are ignorant to how it really feels, as am I, and therefore I think not in a position to question their need."
It seems that the largest consensus of opinion is that people should just adopt, but what if you are not allowed to adopt? Yes in some countries like Outer Fulacrapistan you can pick a child up for 23, 000, 000, 000 choddies (about £23.47 or $46.32) but this is not the case in our enlightened West. We dont just hand them out. There are criteria for this kind of thing and some people just don't fill them and perhaps they are not suitable for IVF and cant find a willing surrogate.
As Sam says here, "You guys over there are lucky if you can adopt.... in Aust you have almost no chance whatsoever to adopt. There are so few (almost no) babies or children available that are born in Aust. If you do apply you have to meet: age, weight, marital, financial and health requirements for both parents… which by the time many have attempted their own DNA family they find they are outside the criteria anyway. Australia have a ‘foster’ system which is both long and short term on children requiring it. Oversees adoption is extremely remote also… from any country for anyone living in Australia… though I’ve heard that it is fairly easy to adopt within the USA or from a neighbouring country there… so you guys probably have more options for becoming parents.
However.... I do think that money would be better spent researching to restoring or giving sight or hearing, parkinsons, diabetes and childhood lukemia and a miriad of other causes that seem far more important and for people that don’t have another option (as you do if you are really desperate to become a parent)."
The Gekko also found Melody, who said here, "Wow. There is an incredible amount of judgment here on those pursuing assisted fertility treatment. There are lots of reasons why adoption might not be a viable option for some, including that it could even be illegal for many same sex couples depending on where they live.
How about chastising those who choose to spend $50,000 on a sports car or live in a larger house than they really need when they could be adopting an orphan or giving the money to AIDS research? There are all kinds of way to spend money frivolously that could otherwise be used to help those in need."
Peskymac said, "I could probably be convinced to donate mine to a friend in need. After all, I have no need of mine. I’m not using it for anything."
Kentucky, USA
Perhaps the most controversial comment comes from Lou Nittick, 35, who said, "I think we should stop all human procreation right now. Anyone who wants a child should be compelled to adopt, starting with the children from the poorest nations, as it’s far less morally objectional. Once they’re all sorted we can move onto the Western kids and finally get them all fixed up in a nice new place of their own. After that we can all go back to having kids with our own DNA though perhaps we should restrict couples to just one each like China as we wouldn’t want too many of the little nippers running about and starting the whole adoption crisis all over again.
And for safety’s sake we should make sure people have to get a license first so there aren’t any we don’t know about and punish people if they procreate without one by removing their uterus. But what we do with all those spare uteruses? Maybe we could stitch them all into legs or arms or something a bit more useful?" Shortly after this diatribe Lou was manhandled to the ground by several burly men with a large hypodermic needle and carted off to a waiting white van singing "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles" in what can only be described as a fair impersonation of Barry White. Apparently he had led them a merry chase. The Gekko wishes him well. We also hope the burly man who took a sharp blow to his testicles in the brief but ferocious struggle is back on his feet. We understand it was very painful yet feel it incumbent upon us to point out that "necessary force" is not something that can be discarded in the quest for petty revenge.
However. Clearly more research must be done. Clearly all care should be taken to ensure the health and well-being of both prospective mother and child. Clearly laws must be made to deal with any legal problems that may arise. Nevertheless, if the right of a woman to abort her foetus is to be defended (Ed. note: as it should be) then surely her right to have one, in whatever way is necessary deserves equal protection.
We leave it to you to decide.
by Pete Riddish - Science Editor
Friday, January 19, 2007
Editorial - The Great Green Bus Conspiracy: an undercover story
The table was rocking on its four uneven feet and the plastic table cover was sticking to my arms as I leaned nervously on my elbows. The atmosphere was muted, the light sussuration of conversation from the other patrons was the only real noise apart from the occasional clink of cutlery on china plates, the soft sounds of the music playing and the inevitable kitchen noises. The odd bark of laughter from the drunken, pinstripe clad office workers in the corner broke the tranquil mood slightly.
I sipped at my pint of Stella, it's not my favoured drink but appearances are everything in this game so I try hard to disguise my distaste.
I check my watch; they're late. I'm here to meet with Stu Pitt and Den Sandmad, two men my contact put me in touch with. Both were instrumental in the founding of the supremacist group The White Aryan Troop and are alleged to have taken part in several race motivated crimes. I take another drink.
Five minutes later Den Sandmad walks in; he is short, thin, with dark hair and a thin goatee. A gold earring dangles from his ear and a gold sovereign ring glints on his right pinky finger. A snarling bulldog draped in the Union Jack glowers from his stained white t-shirt.
I see him look around the room and I think to myself "This is it." He notices me at the same time I raise my arm to call him over. With a final glare for the room that no-one notices he struts over and sits down.
The waiter is there quickly and Den, without looking at him orders a Stella in a guttural voice. He enquires after his fellow Trooper and I say he's not here yet. Den barely nods, just drinks, draining half his pint in a single gulp. The silence is getting uncomfortable as Den hums along to Destiny's Child when finally Stu Pitt appears. He's a carbon copy of Den minus the earring and the bulldog t-shirt is replaced by an England football shirt.
He sees us straight away and swaggers to the table and sits, though apparently he has to turn the chair around so he can lean on the chair back. Stu removes his shiny black, faux leather jacket and lays it on the table; the buckles make a dull thud.
He stares at me for a minute, then nods as if satisfied of something. "So you're the bloke Wayne told me about" he says in a high pitched squeaky voice. He means Wayne Carr, my contact who set this meeting up. I nod. "So you wanna be a Trooper?" I take a drink. I dont want to seem too eager. I set my glass down carefully. "Yeah" I say "What are you lads about?"
Stu takes time to order a pint of Stella from the waiter who appears before answering, "What did Wayne tell you?" he squeaks.
I shrug, "Not much."
Den grunts and gestures rudely for another pint and Stu grins widely, "Well Den here is the muscles of the Troop and I'm the brains."
I agree with a nod, "I can see that," I say taking a hasty drink.
Stu nods, "Wayne says you're a good bloke so thats good enough for me. Let me ask you something ok. Whats the richest country in the world?" I open my mouth to answer but he interrupts, "You're gonna say America aren't you... well ya wrong. Its Africa!" he wiggles in his seat excitedly.
I refrain from pointing out that Africa is a continent.
"It's all a conspiracy mate. They want us to think they're poor when really they're loaded. Just bidin' their time 'til they can take over the world. They're into everything," he pauses for a drink, "You know they've infected the blood banks so that everyone who has a transfusion becomes like them? They're turning us all dark. Did you know that blonde hair and blue eyes are dying out? Yeah, yeah mate. In a few years... gone! And the worst thing is people with dark hair they're in on it, they're a part of the problem."
I look at Stu Pitt and Den Sandmad with their short cut BLACK hair and feel compelled to say, " But you have dark hair."
They both shake their heads with rueful smirks as if sharing a wry moment of humour at the naivete of a child. "Yeah. But we know we have dark hair. We are wise to it all mate. Them out there, they dont know they have dark hair. They've been tricked. It's one of the things the buggers do." They share a satisfied look and embark on a small moment of synchronised drinking right down to the simultaneous belches."I see you got dark hair too mate. Did you know that? Were you aware you had it? I bet you had an inklin didn't you, you wouldn't be here if not, but I bet you never really knew it."
I take a long drink.
He starts on his third pint that has been delivered by the waiter during his speech. "We're all alone here ya know mate, surrounded by 'em. Which is why we formed the Troop. It's our way of protecting ourselves. They're forming an army out there, in league with the UN and the Islamics and the Gays and all the rest 'n' one morning we will all wake up and we'll be driving on the wrong side of the road, they'll ban roast beef, fish n chips will be a thing of the past and you wont be able to buy a pint anymore. Oh no!! It'll be can I have an 'alf a litre or summin like that. They'll paint the buses green too." He finished his pint as he finished his rant. A small speck of foam had formed at each corner of his mouth and Den was quietly picking his nose.
"Why will they paint the buses green?" I had to ask. Despite myself I was intrigued.
"'Cos it's the opposite of red mate. Red is English 'n' they'll wanna wipe all that out. What better way of gettin' at us than that. Can you imagine London full of green buses?" he shudders as he slurped the rest of his latest pint. Den scratches his buttock as he finished his.
I take a longer taste of Stella.
"So what are you going to do? Are you for ethnic cleansing, that kind of thing?" I ask.
Both men grimace, Den even speeks, "Gah" he says. Stu shakes his head, "Are you mad?" he says aghast, "I dont wanna even talk to 'em let alone clean 'em. Whats wrong with you mate? If you wanna be a Trooper you better not come out with that shit again." Den drinks some more lager to calm down. Stu shook his head, "You got alot to learn matey!" he declares. "We got plans, we're here to protect all this," he gestures around the room, "All that's English. The take over is inevitable really, we're in a damage imitation mode is what we are."
"A damage imitation mode?" I ask. I have to it's my job.
He looks disappointed in me. "Yeah. You know, damage imitation. When summin looks like it's damaged 'n' you 'ave to prepare for it. Imitation mate, it means 'looks like'. You geddit?" he asks.
"Yeah, Thanks." I say as I reach for the Stella.
He shakes his head, "No probs mate. It's what I'm here for; to educate. I'm a friggin' teacher me. My youth worker would never believe it." Both he and Den laugh. Another pint bites the dust. Jamelia comes on the radio. Den is mouthing the words under his breath. I can hear him whisper 'you must be some kind of superstar'.
Stu continues, "We're stockpiling red paint. For the buses. And peroxide. People will wake up with blonde hair mate. They wont know what hit em," he laughs,"This whole thing is a moo point."
"A what?" I ask.
"A moo point. Shit you're stupid mate. Moo. As in cow. Black and white."
"Ah," I say, "I never knew that."
Stu laughs, "I like you mate. Lets eat 'n' I'll take you round the snooker club to meet some of the lads." Stu picks his jacket up and throws it over the spare chair as Den waves over the waiter.
"Can I ask you one more thing?" I ask.
"Sure mate," he says.
"Do you all wear those jackets?"
"Oh yeah mate. Got 'em made special. Look, it's got the letters of our Troop on the back."
" I see that," I say, "It says T.W.A.T."
Stu looks puzzled as Den orders three currys, some naan bread and a plate of samosas.
I finish my pint. And I leave to the tune of Zorba The Greek and Den saying "I fuckin' love this song."
written by The Editor in Chief - undercover
I sipped at my pint of Stella, it's not my favoured drink but appearances are everything in this game so I try hard to disguise my distaste.
I check my watch; they're late. I'm here to meet with Stu Pitt and Den Sandmad, two men my contact put me in touch with. Both were instrumental in the founding of the supremacist group The White Aryan Troop and are alleged to have taken part in several race motivated crimes. I take another drink.
Five minutes later Den Sandmad walks in; he is short, thin, with dark hair and a thin goatee. A gold earring dangles from his ear and a gold sovereign ring glints on his right pinky finger. A snarling bulldog draped in the Union Jack glowers from his stained white t-shirt.
I see him look around the room and I think to myself "This is it." He notices me at the same time I raise my arm to call him over. With a final glare for the room that no-one notices he struts over and sits down.
The waiter is there quickly and Den, without looking at him orders a Stella in a guttural voice. He enquires after his fellow Trooper and I say he's not here yet. Den barely nods, just drinks, draining half his pint in a single gulp. The silence is getting uncomfortable as Den hums along to Destiny's Child when finally Stu Pitt appears. He's a carbon copy of Den minus the earring and the bulldog t-shirt is replaced by an England football shirt.
He sees us straight away and swaggers to the table and sits, though apparently he has to turn the chair around so he can lean on the chair back. Stu removes his shiny black, faux leather jacket and lays it on the table; the buckles make a dull thud.
He stares at me for a minute, then nods as if satisfied of something. "So you're the bloke Wayne told me about" he says in a high pitched squeaky voice. He means Wayne Carr, my contact who set this meeting up. I nod. "So you wanna be a Trooper?" I take a drink. I dont want to seem too eager. I set my glass down carefully. "Yeah" I say "What are you lads about?"
Stu takes time to order a pint of Stella from the waiter who appears before answering, "What did Wayne tell you?" he squeaks.
I shrug, "Not much."
Den grunts and gestures rudely for another pint and Stu grins widely, "Well Den here is the muscles of the Troop and I'm the brains."
I agree with a nod, "I can see that," I say taking a hasty drink.
Stu nods, "Wayne says you're a good bloke so thats good enough for me. Let me ask you something ok. Whats the richest country in the world?" I open my mouth to answer but he interrupts, "You're gonna say America aren't you... well ya wrong. Its Africa!" he wiggles in his seat excitedly.
I refrain from pointing out that Africa is a continent.
"It's all a conspiracy mate. They want us to think they're poor when really they're loaded. Just bidin' their time 'til they can take over the world. They're into everything," he pauses for a drink, "You know they've infected the blood banks so that everyone who has a transfusion becomes like them? They're turning us all dark. Did you know that blonde hair and blue eyes are dying out? Yeah, yeah mate. In a few years... gone! And the worst thing is people with dark hair they're in on it, they're a part of the problem."
I look at Stu Pitt and Den Sandmad with their short cut BLACK hair and feel compelled to say, " But you have dark hair."
They both shake their heads with rueful smirks as if sharing a wry moment of humour at the naivete of a child. "Yeah. But we know we have dark hair. We are wise to it all mate. Them out there, they dont know they have dark hair. They've been tricked. It's one of the things the buggers do." They share a satisfied look and embark on a small moment of synchronised drinking right down to the simultaneous belches."I see you got dark hair too mate. Did you know that? Were you aware you had it? I bet you had an inklin didn't you, you wouldn't be here if not, but I bet you never really knew it."
I take a long drink.
He starts on his third pint that has been delivered by the waiter during his speech. "We're all alone here ya know mate, surrounded by 'em. Which is why we formed the Troop. It's our way of protecting ourselves. They're forming an army out there, in league with the UN and the Islamics and the Gays and all the rest 'n' one morning we will all wake up and we'll be driving on the wrong side of the road, they'll ban roast beef, fish n chips will be a thing of the past and you wont be able to buy a pint anymore. Oh no!! It'll be can I have an 'alf a litre or summin like that. They'll paint the buses green too." He finished his pint as he finished his rant. A small speck of foam had formed at each corner of his mouth and Den was quietly picking his nose.
"Why will they paint the buses green?" I had to ask. Despite myself I was intrigued.
"'Cos it's the opposite of red mate. Red is English 'n' they'll wanna wipe all that out. What better way of gettin' at us than that. Can you imagine London full of green buses?" he shudders as he slurped the rest of his latest pint. Den scratches his buttock as he finished his.
I take a longer taste of Stella.
"So what are you going to do? Are you for ethnic cleansing, that kind of thing?" I ask.
Both men grimace, Den even speeks, "Gah" he says. Stu shakes his head, "Are you mad?" he says aghast, "I dont wanna even talk to 'em let alone clean 'em. Whats wrong with you mate? If you wanna be a Trooper you better not come out with that shit again." Den drinks some more lager to calm down. Stu shook his head, "You got alot to learn matey!" he declares. "We got plans, we're here to protect all this," he gestures around the room, "All that's English. The take over is inevitable really, we're in a damage imitation mode is what we are."
"A damage imitation mode?" I ask. I have to it's my job.
He looks disappointed in me. "Yeah. You know, damage imitation. When summin looks like it's damaged 'n' you 'ave to prepare for it. Imitation mate, it means 'looks like'. You geddit?" he asks.
"Yeah, Thanks." I say as I reach for the Stella.
He shakes his head, "No probs mate. It's what I'm here for; to educate. I'm a friggin' teacher me. My youth worker would never believe it." Both he and Den laugh. Another pint bites the dust. Jamelia comes on the radio. Den is mouthing the words under his breath. I can hear him whisper 'you must be some kind of superstar'.
Stu continues, "We're stockpiling red paint. For the buses. And peroxide. People will wake up with blonde hair mate. They wont know what hit em," he laughs,"This whole thing is a moo point."
"A what?" I ask.
"A moo point. Shit you're stupid mate. Moo. As in cow. Black and white."
"Ah," I say, "I never knew that."
Stu laughs, "I like you mate. Lets eat 'n' I'll take you round the snooker club to meet some of the lads." Stu picks his jacket up and throws it over the spare chair as Den waves over the waiter.
"Can I ask you one more thing?" I ask.
"Sure mate," he says.
"Do you all wear those jackets?"
"Oh yeah mate. Got 'em made special. Look, it's got the letters of our Troop on the back."
" I see that," I say, "It says T.W.A.T."
Stu looks puzzled as Den orders three currys, some naan bread and a plate of samosas.
I finish my pint. And I leave to the tune of Zorba The Greek and Den saying "I fuckin' love this song."
written by The Editor in Chief - undercover
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Super Hero Comes To A Sticky End... And Dies!! Was it murder?
The world was in mourning this morning as news broke that retired Super Hero Captain Ace, also known as Norm Standard, was found dead under "Strange Circumstances this morning" according to coroner Mort Mortimer, 53, of Hatfield Hertfordshire, UK.
Revered worldwide by the whole world Captain Ace was responsible for saving millions of lives from the dastardly plans of several Arch Villains. He finally quit the Super Hero business after a multi-billion dollar lawsuit was filed against him by the United States Government for damages to property. The case was settled out of court for an undisclosed figure but the negative press and stress drove him into hiding.
He live in obscurity until his alter ego was exposed by this reporter (Ed. note when he worked on the now defunct publication the "Bognor Regis Clarion") and he was revealed as supermarket trolley collector Norm Standard. Following the expose Mr. Standard became a much loved television sports pundit and host of popular afternoon quiz show Countdown. He was also beleived to be working on his memoirs to the consternation of many celebrities and Government officials.
How Captain Ace actually died is still to be determined. His impervious body is rendering a post mortem very difficult. His only known allergy was the rocks from his native world of Phunkyton known as Phunkytonite. Despite the difficulty in getting Phunkytonite for most people many mad scientists managed to weaponise the ore in a multitude of attempts on Captain Ace's life.
Indeed one such Arch Villain Doctor Spike, 63, made a fortune from his cell by patenting a spray deodorant based on Phunkytonite that has proved extremely popular in the criminal community. When asked to comment Doctor Spike said "Wah, Ha, Ha, Ha." His flufy white cat merely sat quietly, apparently unmoved.
Hertfordshire police spokesman Det. Supt. Bill Bobby, 50, said the case is being treated as a murder enquiry until otherwise. They are eager to speak to Strange Circumstances, the famed, exotic Super Heroine who was the last person to see Captain Ace alive. She was last seen disappearing into the clouds as she flew away. There have long been rumours of a relationship between the super pair that they both strenuously denied but this latest development seems to prove them true.
Gekko Science Editor Pete Riddish Bsc, Msc, Phd said this morning that old age "could be a factor in Captain Ace's death." His planet has been identified as being approx 120 light years distant from Earth, meaning if he travelled here at light speed he was already 120ish when he arrived, add to that the 60 odd years he's been here fighting crime and pushing trolleys he could be an old man in the terms of his people.
"Given what he was doing at the time of his demise, maybe it was just the normal getting funky tonite that killed the Super hero" joked TV funny man Josh Kidd.
A service is to be held at St. Ethelredas Church in Old Hatfield on Sunday February 14th, Captain Ace's adopted birthday, all are welcome and any donations should be given in lieu of flowers. As per his will donations should be sent to Captains Ace's favoured charity that he co-founded and patronised, the National Union of Trolley Collectors And Synergetic Employees.
N.U.T.C.A.S.E. co-founder and director Lou Neetoons, 35, is said to be distraught and unavailable for comment. Her spokesman said on her behalf, "She is distraught and unavailable for comment."
The Gekko offers it's condolences to those who knew the deceased both as Super Hero and as trolley collector. His loss will be felt by all.
written by Society Editor Packer Llyghs
Revered worldwide by the whole world Captain Ace was responsible for saving millions of lives from the dastardly plans of several Arch Villains. He finally quit the Super Hero business after a multi-billion dollar lawsuit was filed against him by the United States Government for damages to property. The case was settled out of court for an undisclosed figure but the negative press and stress drove him into hiding.
He live in obscurity until his alter ego was exposed by this reporter (Ed. note when he worked on the now defunct publication the "Bognor Regis Clarion") and he was revealed as supermarket trolley collector Norm Standard. Following the expose Mr. Standard became a much loved television sports pundit and host of popular afternoon quiz show Countdown. He was also beleived to be working on his memoirs to the consternation of many celebrities and Government officials.
How Captain Ace actually died is still to be determined. His impervious body is rendering a post mortem very difficult. His only known allergy was the rocks from his native world of Phunkyton known as Phunkytonite. Despite the difficulty in getting Phunkytonite for most people many mad scientists managed to weaponise the ore in a multitude of attempts on Captain Ace's life.
Indeed one such Arch Villain Doctor Spike, 63, made a fortune from his cell by patenting a spray deodorant based on Phunkytonite that has proved extremely popular in the criminal community. When asked to comment Doctor Spike said "Wah, Ha, Ha, Ha." His flufy white cat merely sat quietly, apparently unmoved.
Hertfordshire police spokesman Det. Supt. Bill Bobby, 50, said the case is being treated as a murder enquiry until otherwise. They are eager to speak to Strange Circumstances, the famed, exotic Super Heroine who was the last person to see Captain Ace alive. She was last seen disappearing into the clouds as she flew away. There have long been rumours of a relationship between the super pair that they both strenuously denied but this latest development seems to prove them true.
Gekko Science Editor Pete Riddish Bsc, Msc, Phd said this morning that old age "could be a factor in Captain Ace's death." His planet has been identified as being approx 120 light years distant from Earth, meaning if he travelled here at light speed he was already 120ish when he arrived, add to that the 60 odd years he's been here fighting crime and pushing trolleys he could be an old man in the terms of his people.
"Given what he was doing at the time of his demise, maybe it was just the normal getting funky tonite that killed the Super hero" joked TV funny man Josh Kidd.
A service is to be held at St. Ethelredas Church in Old Hatfield on Sunday February 14th, Captain Ace's adopted birthday, all are welcome and any donations should be given in lieu of flowers. As per his will donations should be sent to Captains Ace's favoured charity that he co-founded and patronised, the National Union of Trolley Collectors And Synergetic Employees.
N.U.T.C.A.S.E. co-founder and director Lou Neetoons, 35, is said to be distraught and unavailable for comment. Her spokesman said on her behalf, "She is distraught and unavailable for comment."
The Gekko offers it's condolences to those who knew the deceased both as Super Hero and as trolley collector. His loss will be felt by all.
written by Society Editor Packer Llyghs
Hold-Em Up At Gunpoint
Mayor Hallen Derrick, 47, of Gunpoint, Texas has once again tried to boost his towns falling tourism numbers by opening the towns first casino. "Hardin's Casino is a state of the art enterprise" declared Mayor Derrick at the opening.
The towns economy has been troubled since malicious rumours of astronomical crime rates were circulated and for years the townsfolk have been at pains to point out that not everyone who was "held up at Gunpoint" was actually in their town.
The local sherriff pointed out that even if that were true Gunpoint was the only town in the US to have a murder rate of zero unlike nearby Houston which has a murder rate of 16.3. Sherriff Dick Dickerson, 52, said "It's safe here. You never heard of anyone being killed at Gunpoint did ya?"
It remains to be seen if this desperate action will save the ailing town, once the focus of huge tourism as the home of the largest hat made entirely of meat. The hat has since disappeared. Another blow to the despondent townsfolk.
Local man Dwight Dwighterson, 84, said "I loved that big ol' meat hat. It put us on the map. It gave us somethin' to be proud of; somethin' to fight for." Dwight wandered off then, clearly upset and was last seen by this reporter having a drunken fight with his neighbours horse.
Gunpoints' tourist advisor Dolly Dollerson, 29, said that people should visit the town. "Visit the town" she said.
The Gekko offers one caveat to any intrepid reader who visits the town of Gunpoint. We were held up at Gunpoint, it was a deeply traumatic experience and one we would not like any of you to suffer. Traffic in that town is a bitch!
written by Penn Anninck Arts & Culture Editor
The towns economy has been troubled since malicious rumours of astronomical crime rates were circulated and for years the townsfolk have been at pains to point out that not everyone who was "held up at Gunpoint" was actually in their town.
The local sherriff pointed out that even if that were true Gunpoint was the only town in the US to have a murder rate of zero unlike nearby Houston which has a murder rate of 16.3. Sherriff Dick Dickerson, 52, said "It's safe here. You never heard of anyone being killed at Gunpoint did ya?"
It remains to be seen if this desperate action will save the ailing town, once the focus of huge tourism as the home of the largest hat made entirely of meat. The hat has since disappeared. Another blow to the despondent townsfolk.
Local man Dwight Dwighterson, 84, said "I loved that big ol' meat hat. It put us on the map. It gave us somethin' to be proud of; somethin' to fight for." Dwight wandered off then, clearly upset and was last seen by this reporter having a drunken fight with his neighbours horse.
Gunpoints' tourist advisor Dolly Dollerson, 29, said that people should visit the town. "Visit the town" she said.
The Gekko offers one caveat to any intrepid reader who visits the town of Gunpoint. We were held up at Gunpoint, it was a deeply traumatic experience and one we would not like any of you to suffer. Traffic in that town is a bitch!
written by Penn Anninck Arts & Culture Editor
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Floccinaucinihilipilificaic Mathematics To Spawn Idiot Villages
In a press release today it was announced by Mathematicians from de Mass University in Belgium that a new, revolutionary method called the Population Density Factor or PDF has been developed for measuring the average stupity levels of any populated area.
Population Density Factor is the measure of the number per unit area divided by the average IQ of the areas inhabitants. Simply put for those of you who are not clever enough to work it out for yourselves the formula is: total area population / land area in square miles (or square kilometers) / average IQ.
For example, Britains population of 60 million, divided by the land area of 242,514 square kilometers yields a density of 247 people per square kilometer. This divided by the average IQ of 100 gives a Poulation Density Factor of 2.47. This would indicate the UK is a stupid place but it behooves The Gekko to point out that the Density Factor within the country varies dramatically - a vast majority of the most stupid people live in the northern part of the country and of course these figures include Wales (Editors note: not to mention the Scilly Isles - it's right there in the name) Population Density Factor is only a rough gauge to measure a population's level of simple minded, slow-witted gormlessosity across the entire land.
Professor Idi Ohsee MA Dsc IENt ISt Phd, 85, of de Mass University claimed it was the single most important breakthrough in the world of Floccinaucinihilipilificaic Mathematics, "It is the single most important breakthrough in the world of Floccinaucinihilipilificaic Mathematics", he said during an interview with The Gekko conducted via semaphore. His sentiment was echoed by his fellows in an annoying, schoolboy manner; although admittedly it is quite clever to echo with flags.
There were some negative comments made about PDF and several groups said that they worried about the misuse of such information and the possible creation of super intelligent zones where stupid people would be cast out. The inevitable conclusion of such a policy would be to force all the morons to group together. Quipped celebrity sociologist and anthropologist and Playboy Playmate of the Month Bunny Boyler , 19, "No longer would there be village idiots, but Idiot Villages."
The whole idea was derided late last night by Government officials as nonsense, they went on to say, "It's nonsense".
Harsh words I'm sure you will agree but completely justified according to French mathematician Jacques Oeuf, 34 and a half. He said in a hasty interview before jetting off to a high profile conference in Boise, Idaho that, "Idi Ohsee and his gang of fawning sycophants are actually only Theoretically Mathematicians and nothing they say should be given any credence." All this in a typically disdainful french accent that had many passers-by of the feminine persuasion swooning. When asked by The Gekko if he had meant to say Theoretical he replied with a cheeky Mona Lisa smile and with a Gallic shrug of his Versace clad shoulders he disappeared into his waiting bus.
It is only left for the Gekko to say that if a way to weed out the intellectually weaker members of the herd is there perhaps it should be used though that is for other, perhaps wiser minds to decide. Before you judge for yourselves if there is any shred of truth to this, one more piece of information should be made available:
Using the same formula it is suggested that the United States of America has a PDF of just 0.33.
Case closed?
written by Pete Riddish Science Editor
Population Density Factor is the measure of the number per unit area divided by the average IQ of the areas inhabitants. Simply put for those of you who are not clever enough to work it out for yourselves the formula is: total area population / land area in square miles (or square kilometers) / average IQ.
For example, Britains population of 60 million, divided by the land area of 242,514 square kilometers yields a density of 247 people per square kilometer. This divided by the average IQ of 100 gives a Poulation Density Factor of 2.47. This would indicate the UK is a stupid place but it behooves The Gekko to point out that the Density Factor within the country varies dramatically - a vast majority of the most stupid people live in the northern part of the country and of course these figures include Wales (Editors note: not to mention the Scilly Isles - it's right there in the name) Population Density Factor is only a rough gauge to measure a population's level of simple minded, slow-witted gormlessosity across the entire land.
Professor Idi Ohsee MA Dsc IENt ISt Phd, 85, of de Mass University claimed it was the single most important breakthrough in the world of Floccinaucinihilipilificaic Mathematics, "It is the single most important breakthrough in the world of Floccinaucinihilipilificaic Mathematics", he said during an interview with The Gekko conducted via semaphore. His sentiment was echoed by his fellows in an annoying, schoolboy manner; although admittedly it is quite clever to echo with flags.
There were some negative comments made about PDF and several groups said that they worried about the misuse of such information and the possible creation of super intelligent zones where stupid people would be cast out. The inevitable conclusion of such a policy would be to force all the morons to group together. Quipped celebrity sociologist and anthropologist and Playboy Playmate of the Month Bunny Boyler , 19, "No longer would there be village idiots, but Idiot Villages."
The whole idea was derided late last night by Government officials as nonsense, they went on to say, "It's nonsense".
Harsh words I'm sure you will agree but completely justified according to French mathematician Jacques Oeuf, 34 and a half. He said in a hasty interview before jetting off to a high profile conference in Boise, Idaho that, "Idi Ohsee and his gang of fawning sycophants are actually only Theoretically Mathematicians and nothing they say should be given any credence." All this in a typically disdainful french accent that had many passers-by of the feminine persuasion swooning. When asked by The Gekko if he had meant to say Theoretical he replied with a cheeky Mona Lisa smile and with a Gallic shrug of his Versace clad shoulders he disappeared into his waiting bus.
It is only left for the Gekko to say that if a way to weed out the intellectually weaker members of the herd is there perhaps it should be used though that is for other, perhaps wiser minds to decide. Before you judge for yourselves if there is any shred of truth to this, one more piece of information should be made available:
Using the same formula it is suggested that the United States of America has a PDF of just 0.33.
Case closed?
written by Pete Riddish Science Editor
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