Lost Needles In L.A-Stack

The Celebrity world has been thrown into chaos this evening over the apparent disappearance a whole bevy of stars. Even as this story is being written a massive police hunt is underway as hundreds of officers and volunteers search for missing stars Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton, Mischa Barton and Victoria Beckham.

A police spokesman said during a hasty press conference, "We will leave no stone unturned, no twig un-lifted looking for the missing persons but when looking for people over a search area this large... well it's a little like looking for a needle or needles in a very big haystack."

The celebrities agents commented, "While we appreciate the sentiments of the Police we would prefer it if they [the missing] were not referred to as 'needles' in the future." The Police apologised saying the word 'needles' was "merely metaphorical."

So far nothing has been seen of the missing celebs and indeed several have been out of the public eye for some time fuelling rumours of a cover up of some kind.

May Krappup, 39, gossip columnist for Tosh Magazine said, "There's definitely something going on here. We haven't seen Nicole for a while, or Paris, who knows how long they've actually been gone for? Who's involved? Hollywood? The Government?"

Used to making headlines this current splash into the news would not have been one they would ever have expected. Recently all the missing celebrities have been in the news due to their weight, or to be more accurate their lack thereof, all of them coming under fire for setting poor examples to their young fans and glamourising anorexia and bulimia; both fatal disorders. It is said that Beckham and Richie became the first size sub-zero women. Beckham has been labelled a 'thinspiration' on Pro Ana Websites, disturbing sites that promote anorexia.

Leaked files from exclusive health farm Los Angeles Rehabilitation and Detoxification Institute seem to suggest all the missing celebs were suffering from little known disease (Spontaneous) Human Evaporation or (S)HE. It is a mysterious ailment that can manifest itself instantly or take several years to appear.

Dr. Tommy Rott, 59, director of L.A.R.D.I. declined to comment on any particular patients but did say that (S)HE is a "terrible illness that can strike at any time." His colleague Dr. Poppy Cok said, "So far the only known cure that exists for (S)HE is a healthy diet and exercise. This can stop the disease appearing at all and can if maintained stop it reappearing."

The symptoms of (S)HE are the gradual losing of weight and body mass and gradual androgynisation until the sufferer evaporates. It is related to Spontaneous Human Combustion.

If these leaked documents are true then little hope is held for the missing celebs because it would seem that they have, quite literally, vanished into thin air. A most ironic turn of phrase wouldn't you agree? Is this the last we have seen of The-Ladies-Who-Do-Not-Lunch?

by Packer Llyghs Society Editor

Operating Wombs - More From The Uterine Front

The uterus hit the headlines again today, metaphorically speaking thankfully, as news broke that thousands of women in the UK are having needless hysterectomies for a problem that may not even require surgery.

The problem is Heavy Menstrual Bleeding or (HMB) that can now be treated with new drugs or lasers in certain circumstances. In parts of the country hysterectomies have been cut by up to 64% but once again the difference in NHS standards throughout the country mean in some regions only a 15% decrease has been seen.

Experts are worried by the trend and are calling for an end to the practice. The National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (NICE) has put together guidelines for doctors stressing that surgery should be a last resort.

Many women feel they must either suffer in silence - though if they do we would have to ask their partners - or have a hysterectomy, this should not be so. Both women and doctors should be given the means to be properly educated on all possible procedures.

Mike Mikerson of Essex, 36, said, "My wife suffers terribly. And so do I. I was hit with an ironing board just last week, I still can't feel my left arm and my teeth are loose. Anything that can help without resorting to a hysterectomy should be made available."

This puts into context the debate over the recently mooted uterine transplants. Whilst women may be being rendered sterile thanks to unnecessary womb removal the idea of giving a woman a new one should perhaps be placed on the back burner for a while, and surely must not be derided.

The Gekko is appalled that this kind of thing can happen. This is the 21st Century not the dark ages.

by Pete Riddish Science Editor