Super Hero Comes To A Sticky End... And Dies!! Was it murder?

The world was in mourning this morning as news broke that retired Super Hero Captain Ace, also known as Norm Standard, was found dead under "Strange Circumstances this morning" according to coroner Mort Mortimer, 53, of Hatfield Hertfordshire, UK.

Revered worldwide by the whole world Captain Ace was responsible for saving millions of lives from the dastardly plans of several Arch Villains. He finally quit the Super Hero business after a multi-billion dollar lawsuit was filed against him by the United States Government for damages to property. The case was settled out of court for an undisclosed figure but the negative press and stress drove him into hiding.

He live in obscurity until his alter ego was exposed by this reporter (Ed. note when he worked on the now defunct publication the "Bognor Regis Clarion") and he was revealed as supermarket trolley collector Norm Standard. Following the expose Mr. Standard became a much loved television sports pundit and host of popular afternoon quiz show Countdown. He was also beleived to be working on his memoirs to the consternation of many celebrities and Government officials.

How Captain Ace actually died is still to be determined. His impervious body is rendering a post mortem very difficult. His only known allergy was the rocks from his native world of Phunkyton known as Phunkytonite. Despite the difficulty in getting Phunkytonite for most people many mad scientists managed to weaponise the ore in a multitude of attempts on Captain Ace's life.

Indeed one such Arch Villain Doctor Spike, 63, made a fortune from his cell by patenting a spray deodorant based on Phunkytonite that has proved extremely popular in the criminal community. When asked to comment Doctor Spike said "Wah, Ha, Ha, Ha." His flufy white cat merely sat quietly, apparently unmoved.

Hertfordshire police spokesman Det. Supt. Bill Bobby, 50, said the case is being treated as a murder enquiry until otherwise. They are eager to speak to Strange Circumstances, the famed, exotic Super Heroine who was the last person to see Captain Ace alive. She was last seen disappearing into the clouds as she flew away. There have long been rumours of a relationship between the super pair that they both strenuously denied but this latest development seems to prove them true.

Gekko Science Editor Pete Riddish Bsc, Msc, Phd said this morning that old age "could be a factor in Captain Ace's death." His planet has been identified as being approx 120 light years distant from Earth, meaning if he travelled here at light speed he was already 120ish when he arrived, add to that the 60 odd years he's been here fighting crime and pushing trolleys he could be an old man in the terms of his people.

"Given what he was doing at the time of his demise, maybe it was just the normal getting funky tonite that killed the Super hero" joked TV funny man Josh Kidd.

A service is to be held at St. Ethelredas Church in Old Hatfield on Sunday February 14th, Captain Ace's adopted birthday, all are welcome and any donations should be given in lieu of flowers. As per his will donations should be sent to Captains Ace's favoured charity that he co-founded and patronised, the National Union of Trolley Collectors And Synergetic Employees.

N.U.T.C.A.S.E. co-founder and director Lou Neetoons, 35, is said to be distraught and unavailable for comment. Her spokesman said on her behalf, "She is distraught and unavailable for comment."

The Gekko offers it's condolences to those who knew the deceased both as Super Hero and as trolley collector. His loss will be felt by all.

written by Society Editor Packer Llyghs

Hold-Em Up At Gunpoint

Mayor Hallen Derrick, 47, of Gunpoint, Texas has once again tried to boost his towns falling tourism numbers by opening the towns first casino. "Hardin's Casino is a state of the art enterprise" declared Mayor Derrick at the opening.
The towns economy has been troubled since malicious rumours of astronomical crime rates were circulated and for years the townsfolk have been at pains to point out that not everyone who was "held up at Gunpoint" was actually in their town.

The local sherriff pointed out that even if that were true Gunpoint was the only town in the US to have a murder rate of zero unlike nearby Houston which has a murder rate of 16.3. Sherriff Dick Dickerson, 52, said "It's safe here. You never heard of anyone being killed at Gunpoint did ya?"

It remains to be seen if this desperate action will save the ailing town, once the focus of huge tourism as the home of the largest hat made entirely of meat. The hat has since disappeared. Another blow to the despondent townsfolk.

Local man Dwight Dwighterson, 84, said "I loved that big ol' meat hat. It put us on the map. It gave us somethin' to be proud of; somethin' to fight for." Dwight wandered off then, clearly upset and was last seen by this reporter having a drunken fight with his neighbours horse.

Gunpoints' tourist advisor Dolly Dollerson, 29, said that people should visit the town. "Visit the town" she said.

The Gekko offers one caveat to any intrepid reader who visits the town of Gunpoint. We were held up at Gunpoint, it was a deeply traumatic experience and one we would not like any of you to suffer. Traffic in that town is a bitch!

written by Penn Anninck Arts & Culture Editor